Bad Ass Booty Balm

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Step 1 In a small bowl mix zinc oxide, emu oil and one ounce of aloe vera butter into a smooth slushy paste. Put aside. (Wear a mask or cover your nose and mouth when handling the zinc oxide).

Step 2 In a clean pyrex measuring cup (or double boiler) melt the remaining aloe vera butter, and bees wax together slowly over low heat, stop to stir occasionally for even distribution of heat as throughout. Add lanolin to the hot mixture stir until completely smooth. (A mini crock pot also works well).

Step 3 Take the zinc oxide paste from step one and stir into the hot aloe vera butter/beeswax/lanolin mixture. If mixture is too cool it may separate a bit - just add a bit more heat and keep stirring.

Step 4 Lastly, add your essential oils, if desired, and pour while warm into a clean container. Let set and cover when cool.

The Bad Ass Booty Balm Recipe

2 ounces aloe vera butter (or just regular coconut oil if you can't find aloe butter)
.5 ounces beeswax
.5 ounces zinc oxide
.25 ounces anhydrous lanolin USP
.15 ounces emu oil

8 drops Peru Balsam EO
6 drops German Chamomile EO
1 drop Helichrysum EO

FYI
If you leave this (or any ointment for that matter) in a car in the hot sun -- expect a royal mess.

Word to the wise
It's way easier to wipe off sticky poop from a balmed butt.

Speaking of horrible hygiene -- death by diaper rash ?
yes --shockingly, it has happened and does still happen. See this article:

Misc

Your baby is so lucky to have you as parent
In Elizabethan times (1500's) the poor tikes were only changed every couple of days -- making a fat mess and no doubt endangering their health. Royal babes had it a little better than average folk -- they could look forward to being changed once a day.

Directions

In the unlikely event that you are unfamiliar with how to handle a case of diaper rash, here are the standard guidelines:
1. Change that kid quickly and often.
2. Air it out. That's right, sans diaper for part of the day.
3. Apply your favorite greasy goop (like Bad Ass Booty Balm). Make sure you get the leg creases and crack really well.
4. When in doubt give a shout out to your pediatrician.

Why should I use BABB instead of one of the other gazillion butt rash products?
It's totally up to you what you choose to use. I did the research and made this stuff based on what I understand to be safe and effective for the short and long term. But watch out -- it's an all out war for your baby's butt. Competitors regularly bash each other ingredients and quality -- even the experts don't agree on all the points. The earnestness would be amusing if weren't so boring. Maybe the other companies should tell your momma jokes (like we do) to properly guilt you into buying their product -- like: "Your Momma's so mean ... she used borax on your ass. Think of the future -- don't let this happen to your child. Use Bad Ass Booty Balm!"

Butt Is it Natural?
Depends on your definition. There are no lab created additives (ok, maybe the zinc oxide is) but it is not entirely plant based. The formula is mostly veggie with a little bit of mineral and animal. That means that if you're vegan or vegetarian you're probably not down with emu oil, so ... your search for the perfect diaper product continues, good luck.

What are parabens and why should I care?
Parabens are preservatives added to many personal care products for the purpose of extending shelf life. It is said that parabens, being endocrine disruptors, may alter hormone levels, possibly increasing risks for certain types of cancer, impaired fertility, or the alteration of the development of a fetus or young child. Hmm, no thanks.

F.A.Q.

Why don't you use lavender or tea tree oil like other natural diaper products?
Apparently there have been some recent reports that these essential oils can cause early puberty and growth of breast tissue in boys. And since diaper ointments are applied quite often -- well, I don't know about you, but even if there is only the smallest chance, I don't want to be responsible for creating little dudes with boobs (they can make that choice later). Read this:

Helichrysum Essential Oil
This is a crazy expensive oil with very strong anti-inflammatory properties.

Chamomile Blue Essential Oil
This gentle essential oil has a natural deep blue color (Azulene), is used to soothe irritations of all kinds (physical and mental). Smells like apples too.

Peru Balsam Essential Oil
Derived from a large tropical tree, this essential oil has a long history of use in diaper rash preparations because of its ability to increase blood circulation in affected areas.

Emu Oil
More so than the other ingredients listed above, emu oil is a highly emollient moisturizer which deeply penetrates the skin and is excellent for inflamed or delicate skin.

Lanolin
Chemically lanolin is a wax, bettcha didn't know that, then again maybe you did. Anyway, lanolin is great at lubricating, protecting and soothing skin.

Beeswax
Just a wee bit of this is used as thickener - a classic really.

Zinc Oxide
Par for the course, my friends. This mineral protects chafed skin and seals out wetness.

What's in it?

Aloe Butter
Aloe butter is an extraction of Aloe Vera using fatty coconut oil. It's soothing and greasy -- for diaper rash that's a good thing.

~ Diaper Rash is a bummer for you and the babe;
so take care of that mess with Bad Ass Booty Balm.

Aloe butter is an extraction of Aloe Vera using fatty coconut oil. It's soothing and greasy -- for diaper rash